Living in the Realm of Possibilities

27 October 2019. The doctors have second thoughts. Tomorrow afternoon, I’m to undergo a nuclear stress test to see if my heart can withstand surgery.

Now, when my grandsons have made arrangements to help me, I may not have the surgery when scheduled (29 October). What’s more, since the nuclear test is scheduled for 28 October at 2:40 p.m. and the results won’t be available until 10:00 or so, Jeff may be in the air, flying from Chicago when I find out if the surgery is a go or not.

28 October 2019. I have the nuclear stress test. The internist calls with the results: there is considerable scarring from the heart attack when I was 47. The internist says the risk of a heart-related problem occurring has increased slightly, and the surgeon will modify her surgery. I ask to speak to the surgeon because I want to know how she’ll modify the surgery. The internist says I can speak to her at 5:30 the next morning at the downtown location.

I don’t know what to do.

Doubt creeps into my mind, and I lose the staunch resolve I’ve had for surgery. Hasn’t the radiologist told me the mega doses of radiation is just as effective? I opt for the radiation. The internist tells me the radiation doctor would tell me that because that’s his area of expertise. She also tells me I was treated specially to get the nuclear stress test scheduled so quickly. I am shocked by her words, feel beleaguered, and call off the surgery.

4 November 2019. Supposed to be fitted for the simulation for radiation treatments. Nurse calls to say the appointment is canceled—two people didn’t show up for work—there was an automobile accident. For the first time since I’ve been told I have cancer, I break down and cry. My beagle, BoPeep, comforts me.

I go to the computer and research accidents, finding one that occurred on Sunday. I look at the dreadful pictures and realize my lot, even with the cancer growing in my lung, is better than it is for some. I see a GoFundMe project to help rescue a dog. I contribute. I talk to my grandson. I talk to my dogs. I feel better. I can wait.

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3 Responses to Living in the Realm of Possibilities

  1. shrinkmom says:

    The waiting must be incredibly tedious. Thinking of you. I hope you feel peaceful once you have begun your treatments.


  2. Christopher Kuhl says:

    Dear Lynne, I read your blogs yesterday and could understand your mix of emotions. I admire your strength in the midst of idiocy, frustration, anger, fear, and the lack of any real control over this. Shalom a thousand times over. Love 💕, your friend Christopher.


  3. Cynthia Zigmund says:

    Thinking of you! When you’re back on your feet and ready, I’m here…


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